


Shatter Me

by TheCookieMonster77



Series: All Your Faves Are Ace [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Ace!Alya, Angst, Aro!Alya, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Gen, Internalized Acephobia, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Other, miraculace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 16:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7446895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCookieMonster77/pseuds/TheCookieMonster77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How fucked up is it to be so broken you don't even want to be fixed?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shatter Me

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning: Alya struggles with some very heavy internalized acephobia in this. Please proceed with caution.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous Ladybug.**

* * *

Sometimes, Alya thinks it would be easier if she could just love someone.

Anyone.

Boy. Girl. In between. Off the binary. Just _someone anyone something_ to prove she's whole and emotional and _human_.

But she just...doesn't.

Or at least not in the right way she doesn't.

Alya loves her siblings. Loves her mother. Loves Marinette. But she can tell it's not the right type of love, this supposed love she's supposed to want and treasure.

And it...it _hurts_.

It's like a hole in her chest, a gaping pit, a missing piece she doesn't notice until someone points it out and then she picks it _raw_. She doesn't want to share her life with some life partner, doesn't want someone to kiss-touch-hold- _anything_. She doesn't get this fascination with romance, this desire for boyfriends or girlfriends or whatevers or sex. She doesn't want this-this _human_ thing and it's horrible and terrifying and it _hurts_.

It hurts when her mom acts as though it's ludicrous that she doesn't want sex or dates.

It hurts as her siblings tease-mock her for never bringing someone home.

It hurts as she encourages Marinette's crush because while Alya will never discourage a friend, a part of her can't help but fear she's going to be left behind lonely and broken.

It hurts when the happy endings are always told in sets because Alya doesn't want to be part of a _set_ , she wants to just be herself as _one_ , but when are people ever happy like that?

Maybe, one day, the "right one" will come along and fix all this. She'll meet someone and everything will click and she'll become part of a set and get the romance and the happy ending. Alya wonders if someone will fall into her lap and make everything perfect but it's just-

Alya _doesn't_ want that.

And how fucked up is that? To be so broken that you don't even want to be fixed?

Alya doesn't want her life to hinge around meeting this one person. She doesn't want her happiness to depend on meeting this person, doesn't want someone having that sort of power over her. Her mother speaks of this person as though they're a gift but Alya doesn't _get_ what she's talking about, doesn't get this desire-want-pull- _whatever_ everyone talks about and she sure as hell doesn't want something like that to have that sort of sway over her. Alya cracks at the thought of something beautiful terrifying her but she can't help it, it's horrifying, she doesn't understand, she doesn't want it, _no_ -

Deep down, in a dark little place inside herself she keeps hidden under lock and key, she knows there isn't this special someone for her.

And she's _relieved_.

But no special someone means being left alone in the dust and pain and anger twist her stomach, burn up her throat, scratch her eyes because that's not _human_.

To be human is to love but when she _doesn't_.

Well.

 _Where does that leave_ _**me**_ _?_


End file.
